Conversations with Lynn: On Children

While Sitting in Lynn's Studio

Lynn: You know- when we have children we are going to have one child who is an awesome musician and another one who is really good at sports.

Me: Maybe. When we have kids, I want to give them the chance to succeed.

Lynn: With your competitiveness and my love, we'll have well-rounded children.

Me:  Did you really just say that?

Our Mutt the Sun Goddess

Our dog Maddy, as you have read about before, is kind of a character.  We have figured out though that she is pretty smart as well.

My husband and I are currently staying at my in-law's house while they are in Florida.  The temperature in the house is set at 69 degrees and at times there can be a chill in the air.  The main bathroom has heated tile and our dog figured this out pretty quickly.

So at night, instead of sleeping close to our bed like usual, she sleeps in the bathroom on the warm tile.

Sometimes she won't even move when we walk in the room.  She will just look at us like, "How DARE you bother me while I slumber."  If you know Maddy, that is so out of character.

I think that just as God created me for the cold weather, Maddy was made to enjoy heat.  Florida suited her, poor thing.

On Sunday I had a chill. Crazy right? So I decided to give the tile floor a try.  I sat on the bathroom floor for a half hour and read a book.  It worked! 

I could learn a thing or two from that wise mutt. 

Saturday Night Stink Eye

Saturday night my husband, sister and I went to the grand reopening of the Fort Wayne Museum of Art.  I pulled out my iPhone and took pictures of the crowd.  I didn't see any signs that mentioned that picture-taking was prohibited, so I had fun with it.

While making our rounds in the final art gallery, I told my sister to stand in front of this brightly colored painting.  I took the picture and a moment later a tall lady tapped me on the shoulder.  "You are not allowed to take pictures in the gallery," she said and pursed her lips.  "I'm sorry," I murmured and put the phone away.

Ashley said that from that point on the woman never stopped giving me the stink eye.  We noticed that as we left the gallery, she followed us.  I tried not to make eye contact and made sure my hands were in view so she knew I wasn't taking the forbidden pictures.

In these particular situations, I keep the mindset that I will probably never see the woman again, so there is no need to worry about what she thinks.

But to be honest, she was kind of scary. I am sure that I will have nightmares of the woman tapping me on the shoulder, wagging her finger and tisk-tisking with her pursed lips.

Below, however, are a few of the pictures that I took which do not include any up-close photos of artwork (notice I blurred out the paintings in the background of the second picture).  It is too bad really.  Some of the photos with art were pretty awesome.

The Man Knows That My Feet Smell

I have a theory.  I am asking that you test it out and let me know if I am correct.

Here it is:

     I believe that one of the best self-analysis tools is to look at the advertisements that pop up on your computer screen while you are surfing Twitter, Facebook or pretty much any site.

Whatever appears is based on what you write about and the web sites that you visit frequently.  My most recent ads were:

1) The Economist Magazine
2) Earn your Masters from a School in Seattle
3) Online Photography Degrees
4) Global Experience- What are you doing next summer?

What we spend time doing, reading and saying is a good gauge as to who we truly are on the inside. Oh, so deep.

Let us pause and ponder these things.

I bet that the ads on the right side of the page at this moment are related to your interests and the sites that you spend time perusing.  Am I right?

Food for thought.  It is kind of disturbing that the advertising folks may understand more about me than my neighbor. I didn't quite know what to think when I saw advertisements about how to fix smelly feet.  What are "they" trying to tell me?

If You Need to Fry an Egg, Put It on My Arm

I truly believe that God created me for cold weather.  I get grumpy if it is too hot and I am not afraid to tell everyone about it.  Sorry to all my Florida friends who had to listen to my rantings for two years.

I radiate heat.  And when I say that, I am not lick-my-finger-and-place-it-on-my-hip-while-I-make-a-sizzling-sound joking.  I am literally a furnace.

Last night I woke up to my husband's supplication to please move over to my side of the bed because he was sweating.  If you were to graze my arm during those moments, it would be hot to the touch. Being able to withstand the cold weather is one thing I can be thankful that I inherited from my father and my grandfather.

My perfect day would be a fall evening at dusk.  The temperature is below 60 degrees, the leaves have changed colors and it is cloudy.  Someone in the distance is burning leaves and... I have a million dollars... and a whiskey sour on the rocks... and cheese.

Conrad the Stilt Walker

This last weekend my sister, mother and I drove around Fort Wayne and window-shopped for houses in a particular neighborhood.  As we got out of our vehicle to look inside a house that was for sale we noticed an older gentleman walking down the sidewalk.

The man, we later learned to be Conrad Teff, was guiding a boy who was shakily balancing on stilts. He yelled out, "This here is a nice neighborhood if you are looking to buy."  His movements were slow because the boy was a beginner.

"Where did you get the stilts?" we asked.

"Oh, I used to be a stilt walker."

"Why'd you first decide to learn?"

"Well, it was either do bad and evil things or learn stilts."

Personally, I went to youth group to stay out of trouble.  Stilts could have worked.  To each his own, I guess.

Dirty Dish Efficiency

I recently heard a story on NPR about an Efficiency Expert.  He is hired to go into businesses and find ways to save money by simply moving a copier closer to a department or to define which positions are not necessary.  I remember thinking that I would be good at that job because I pour my creamer in my mug before I pour in the coffee so I don't have to use a spoon.

Then, as I was emptying the dishwasher, it hit me - there are certain parts of my life where I simply don't care if there is order.  The way in which I place my dirty dishes in the dishwasher is included in that list.  It drives my husband mad.  But, come on, they are DIRTY dishes.  Next thing you know we will be organizing our trash.

Evil Worm Fish = Uncontrollable Urination

When my sister was little, she loved animals.  Along with multiple hamsters, Ashley collected exotic fish and creatures for her aquarium.  She had albino see-through frogs, really cool fish that had bulges and the worm fish.

The person at the store assured Ashley that the worm fish was vegetarian and that all of her fish would be safe.  But, from the first moment I laid eyes on that worm, eel-like thing, I called it evil.  I hated it.  I just knew that when I slept it would find its way up to my room to bite me.

My mother arrived in Ashley's room one day and found that the worm fish was half way out of the tank (on its way to bite me).  My mother, who herself was freaked out by the devil fish, sent Ashley to retrieve a glove so she could poke it back in the aquarium.  While Ashley was on her errand, the eel fell on the floor and my mom, after a scream or two, peed her pants.

She couldn't blame this on age.  It was from pure fright.  I think if a grey, squirming creature was attacking me, I would pee my pants too.  

After Ashley found a glove, (and rubbed in the fact that her mother, a grown up, had peed her pants,) they somehow shoved the eel back in the aquarium.

Sometime later Ashley started noticing that her fish were disappearing.  My family couldn't figure out which of the fish were eating the others.  They had it in their heads that it was the bottom feeder.  Duh.

One day one of my siblings caught the evil thing with an albino frog leg hanging out of its mouth. We placed it in a different bowl and it died a day or two afterward from reasons unknown.  I think it was possessed.

RIP devil fish.  Good riddance.

60-Year-Old Zeus

When Lynn and I were first married we took a trip to Florida with my family for vacation. One evening we walked the beach and passed by one of the most interesting men I have ever met.

I don't remember his name, but this middle-aged man wore a leopard print Speedo, had long wavy hair, a hairy chest with beads dangling to his belly and his cheeks were freckled from the sun.

We learned that he was walking the beach because he loved watching the turtles lay eggs.

"I love all living things," he said. "I am Zeus, Buddha, Jesus, John the Baptist and Paul. I died on the cross. I control the seas. I love all creatures."

We asked him what he meant by that. He said that he is eternity and he has been reincarnated hundreds of times.

"It is all about the love, man. Love. I would never harm a single person. I have never hated anyone."

As the conversation continued, we realized that this man may have some issues. Lynn, finding his rantings ridiculous, said, "So, what if I punched you right now? Would you still feel the love?"

The man just smiled.

He made me think. Love is not all gumdrops and rainbows. Love can be difficult to do.

It is an action.

When someone punches you in the jaw, it could mean turning your cheek to him also. Or, if it was my sister, it could mean a wrestling match. I am just sayin'.

The Inappropriate Lunch Lady

So, my husband told me yesterday that he had an interesting interaction with the cafeteria lady at work.

Upon arriving up at the counter, the woman said to my husband, "I've been meaning to tell you that you have beautiful hair. It makes me want to run my fingers through it."

My husband, Mr. Quiet, was like, "Um... I get that a lot." What else is he supposed to say? Here! Run your fingers through my hair right over my tray of food and while you are at it, pinch my cheeks like an annoying extended family member.

It reminded me of the time that we went to Applebees and the waitress arrived at our table for the first time. She looked at me and said, "Whoa! Your eyes! They are like, seeing right through me. I can't even look at them."

Awkward.

I can just imagine what our children will look like. Someday people will have the unexplainable urge to run their fingers through our children's hair while at the same time be unable to look at them in the eyes.

I am sorry future child of mine.

P.S. Whenever I think of a lunch lady I think of Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live.

Spokane Riverfront Park Gallery

Sunny Blood Tests

Before I left Florida I had a blood test done to see if I had any health issues (and because my insurance was ending). I received the call yesterday and although I was a little anxious about the results, it kind of made me laugh.

I am Vitamin D deficient. And do you know where Vitamin D comes from? The sun!



I just spent two and a half years in the Sunshine State and I am Vitamin D deficient. That is a true sign of how much I hated the Florida heat.

My Own Personal Banana Boat

While riding in the car this past week, my mother said, "Do you remember that yellow car you used to drive? We should never have let you use it. That thing was a boat."

The car in mention was my first car, a 1976 Buick Century Special. I called it my banana boat (not to be confused with banana hammock). It was a beast of a car.



My friend Lena from Germany thought it was so unique looking, she wouldn't go back to her country without getting a picture in front of it.

The exterior was bright yellow with the occasional rust spot. The interior was black and white checkered. My sister refused to be seen in it and even though she would have had a ride to school, she chose to take the bus.

I thought it was awesome.

I guess when my dad opened up the hood of the car for the first time at our house, a rat with a giant parasite infected hole in its side jumped out into the field. The door handle would not latch so, picture this, whenever I made a right hand turn I had to hold the door shut otherwise it would fly open. It took skills to keep the car running.

One day as I was driving through Auburn, the light turned red ahead. I stepped on the breaks and realized that they didn't work. I kept pushing and pushing and pushing to no avail. Lucky for me there was a brand new pickup truck stopped at the light just ahead (not). I rammed into his bumper twice. Being the wise teenager that I was, I started weeping like a baby so the man with the $35,000 pickup would be less likely to yell at me.

My boat didn't have a scratch on it, but I did $1,700 worth of damage to the pansy pickup truck. Take that, Ford.

They just don't make them there vehicles like they used to. It wasn't too much later that we got rid of the boat. I think we might have paid someone to take it off of our hands.

I Would Like the Chocolate Trees, Please

Below are a few of the pictures that I took while exploring a forest near Crescent Lake and Marymere Falls. The last four photos were taken at Rialto Beach. I was a kid at a candy store.

Confessions of a... Cough, Cough... Twilight Fan

Yesterday we went to Olympic National Park and Forks. I found myself embarrassed to be in Forks. While passing locals on the street, I knew that they were thinking that I was just another one of the crazy tourists who ridiculously traveled across the country to get a vampire fix.



One of the gas station attendants asked me if I was a Twilight fan and I hesitated. "Um, well... I have read the books but I wouldn't call myself a fan," I said with my eyes to the ground (if I would have looked him in the eyes, he would have seen right through my web of lies).

We traveled to the La Push reservation and there was even a sign that read Treaty Line. The general store sold garlic too.

Fireside in Washington

Yesterday we spent part of the day at Riverfront Park in Spokane. It was the site of the World's Fair in 1974. We fed a metal trash-sucking goat, climbed a larger than life red wagon and explored the park a bit.

We ate at a place in downtown Spokane that was recommended to me by the couple whom I sat next to on my airplane flight from Phoenix. Instead of serving chips and salsa or bread before the meal, we had two bowls of popcorn. The sandwiches were amazing.

We drove for seven hours to western Washington for the next stage of our journey.

This morning, as I type this, I am sitting in front of a fireplace in a lodge directly adjacent to Olympic National Park.



The view is kind of obstructed by a large hill, but I am enjoying the heat of the log fireplace, the smell of burning wood and the sounds of instrumental music.

Starbucks, God and Vampires

I spent the day yesterday packing. Again. And the rest of the day I traveled. Again.

I don't mind traveling, but honestly I prefer the open road to the airport. I can't even count how many airplanes I have been on and to my ever-expanding thighs the comfort level lessens every time.



My mother and I arrived at Spokane, Washington last night at 11:00pm to visit my brother (that is 11:00 pm West Coast time- 2:00 am Indiana time). I still have not caught up on my sleep from my drive from Florida to Indiana.

I thought about this fact this morning and how I KNOW that God placed a million Starbucks in Washington just so I can stay awake this week.

I used an IPhone application to search for the nearest Starbucks locations. I found eight within a two mile radius of our hotel! If that isn't direct evidence of God's love, I don't know what is.

After spending the morning exploring my brother's university, we are off to Western Washington to stay in Port Angeles. And for all of you Twilight fans out there, we are going to Forks. Yes, the vampire infested, werewolf ravaged, Forks.

See you there.

P.S. I flew through Phoenix and as I was sitting at my gate, I thought, "Bella ran right down this hallway. I bet she escaped from Alice and Jasper in that restroom right over there."

Sunsets, Silence, Space

Oh Indiana! I have missed you. While I was on the home stretch after 18 hours of driving from Florida to Indiana, the sun was setting ahead of me and I was surrounded by fields on every side. I realized three of the things that I have been lacking.

1. Sunsets
2. Silence
3. Space

Now, after my first weekend in Indiana, I remember why I appreciate this state so much.

I walked my dog on a trail behind my in-laws house and two horses in the neighboring field ran up to the fence to greet me. I said hello and stared at them for awhile. When I started walking, they walked along side me. I stopped again and they stopped as well to stare at me. I wonder if they could tell that I had been a city girl and they thought that I needed an escort while walking in the country?

I also went to a laundromat this weekend. I had a wonderful conversation with a stranger there. She knew who I was through Lynn's family and we talked about life. That would not happen in Orlando.

On Saturday when we unloaded the moving truck that I had just helped to pack a few days earlier (ugh), three of Lynn's brothers and one of his nephews helped us unload without being asked. It was so refreshing to experience that type of community again.

I have saved the best experience for last- I haven't locked my car doors since I have been here. When it is parked in the driveway, I leave the keys in the ignition. When I parked at the laundromat, it was unlocked. I can't tell you how that feels. It is like I can relax again.

Barefoot in the Snow Without Cruise Control

As I am typing this, I am sitting in a hotel room in Georgia. I don't have much time to write and because of my travels my post will not be between 11:30am and 1:30pm. My inner self does not want to click the publish button because it is not within the specified time frame. I can do this.

I am about seven hours into an eighteen hour drive. Alone. There is a first for everything. It is giving me the chance to test my motto which is I will try anything once.

I can see it now. Instead of telling my children that I walked to school in the winter with no shoes (uphill both ways, mind you), I will recount the time that I drove from Florida to Indiana by myself without cruise control.

So Long Trouser Socks!

I have spent my week packing up our house in preparation for the moving truck's arrival today. By the end of the day yesterday I was coming up with every excuse in the book to take a break.

I am so OVER packing.

I placed a vase in a box. Oh! Time for a break. It was two hours until lunch. Welp- break time.

I managed to stack some boxes neatly. If it wasn't for my friend Katie who, bless her, packed half of my house in December, I would not have been able to do this on my own.

Most of the packing went smoothly but when I opened up that junk drawer and my husband's night stand, I gave up and shoved the amalgamous mess in a box titled Desk or Lynn's Stuff. My organizational analness can only take me so far.

After packing about two boxes of socks and random clothing I spent an hour in the living room staring out the window thinking about how I won't have to wear trouser socks anymore. They were a necessity once we moved down here, my husband said, because the stench of my feet in the Florida heat could clear out a room. Hence the time Lynn took out a basin to soak my feet. I thought he was being romantic but he admitted that he was tired of breathing through his mouth.



By tonight I will be passing over the Florida state line and throwing my trouser socks out of the window.

Life Imitating Art

One of these things just doesn't belong here... Or does it?

Melancholy Florida Montage

It was a melancholy morning this morning. I didn't go to work. I didn't follow my normal routine. I listened to The Call by Regina Spektor and stood in each room of my house and let the memories flow.

It felt like a movie moment where there is a montage of people hugging, kissing, crying and remembering some unfortunate character so as to move the story along.

I experienced something like this before when I flew to Indiana for my father's funeral. The first night I was there my family didn't sleep. I walked out to the field in front of my parent's house while the sun was rising and took it all in.

I saw my dad mowing the lawn and fertilizing the grass in the backyard. I looked to the west of the house and saw him clearing out the brush in the woods. He was working in the garden and getting out of his van. I sat with him on the porch while he lit the torches the last night that I spent with him. He walked down the driveway to visit my grandpa.

As I am now standing in the bedroom in Florida I see my husband working in his studio. We are sitting on the couch and watching a movie. I see myself laying on the bed while my mother and husband care for me after the loss of our child. I am answering the phone on July 26 when Kristen told me my father wasn't breathing and they were trying to revive him.

I have experienced so much here in Florida. I have learned so much. Staring at the empty rooms, I am not quite sure what to feel. I will leave it there for now.

Boobra and Barbara Love Twinkies

I was thinking today that a higher-than-normal amount of my friends are nurses. Because of this I hear some interesting stories.

One woman worked in a nursing home and I will never forget her boob stories. This nurse was bathing an older woman and, of course, Boobra and Barbara were no longer perky and "happy to see you". So while lifting one of the twins in order to wash underneath, the nurse found a Twinkie that the old woman had stuck there to save for later. Who needs a pocket?

Another time, a nurse noticed a growth on a woman's arm in the nursing home as she was walking down the hall. The growth was pretty large and was just below the hem line of her t-shirt sleeve. Upon analysis the nurse realized that the woman had tucked her boob in her sleeve and the growth was not a mole. That flexibility would come in handy when it is time for a mammogram. Plop.

I had thought about becoming a nurse before I began college. Although I think that I would have enjoyed it, I made the correct decision when I chose to study communication.

I can rely on other people's nursing stories to keep me entertained. When I am old enough to tuck my twins under my belt I am going to hide a Twinkie under there just to give my nurses a story to tell.